


Werewolves of Lima

by vcg73



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, Halloween, Tumblr: kurtoberfest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 00:27:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16377938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcg73/pseuds/vcg73
Summary: Kurt and Tina decide to use their Principal's superstitious nature to their own advantage.





	Werewolves of Lima

**Author's Note:**

> A bit AU and very silly, I just wanted to give Kurt and Tina a chance to do something fun together. :)

“Kurt, come on! Please tell me you’re in. Pleeeease?”

Kurt’s face was scrunched into a grimace of of uncertainty. “Oh, Tina …” he groaned. “I don’t know. It’s so stupid! He’ll never believe a thing like that!”

“Of course he will. He totally bought that I was a vampire last year. This’ll be a piece of cake!”

“What makes you think he hasn’t figured you out by now?”

Tina expressively rolled her eyes at the question. “Kurt, this is Figgins we’re talking about. He’s the world’s most superstitious person! All I have to do is wander by his office wearing my fangs and hiss at him every so often. He splashes some holy water and does whatever I want!”

A tiny smile of respect played over Kurt’s lips. “Okay, well maybe you’re right, but I don’t understand how this is supposed to help me.”

Her black-lace-gloved hands clapped together with muffled excitement. “I went to the Office and reported what happened yesterday, after Karofsky shoulder checked us into the lockers. It isn’t the first time, and I know you’ve been getting it worse than me. Nobody else is helping so I figure it’s up to us.”

“How?”

“While I was in with Figgins, I just happened to mention that since October started there’ve been several werewolf sightings in the area.”

“And he bought that?”

“Absolutely! It’s a full moon on Saturday. How could he not?”

Kurt’s smile grew. What Tina was saying was completely ridiculous, but it was nice to feel like someone had his back again. It had been awfully lonely around here lately. “What does that have to do with Karofsky?”

Tina’s smile grew absolutely wicked. “Well, I just happened to have a book with me detailing the lycanthropic characteristics of those affected by the bite of a werewolf.”

“Do tell.”

Holding her left hand up, she began counting off on her fingertips. “One, heavy sweating and larger than average musculature.”

“They’re football players. They always look like that.”

“I’m sure you’re mistaken,” she said in a skeptical tone. “It seems to me that Karofsky and Azimio both have grown quite a bit larger than the rest of the team lately. It could just be hormones, but …”

He grinned. “Better safe than sorry?”

She grinned. “Exactly. Two, unexplained bouts of public rage. Yelling, slamming things, getting angry at the drop of a hat.”

“Well, that symptom is definitely true,” Kurt agreed, ruefully rubbing his shoulder at the memory of the new bruises it had collected this week. “What else?”

“Three, and you’ll like this one, intense thirst coupled with an aversion to plain water. When was the last time you saw either of those guys without a Slushy in his hand?”

This time, he finally laughed. “Again, hard to deny. Though for two such thirsty people, they sure do waste a lot of it by throwing at us.”

“The rage overcomes the thirst,” she said reasonably, “And I told Figgins that I happened to hear my father, The Vampire King, say that the only thing that drives away werewolves is music. Something about soothing savage beasts, I think. That’s why those guys target us, you know. The Glee Club is the only thing keeping McKinley safe from an all-out werewolf invasion.”

Kurt’s eyebrows went for his hairline. “Is that why Figgins suddenly asked us to put on a special performance for the assembly tomorrow? Tina, that’s brilliant! You may have found a way to get the jocks off our backs and fund Glee for the rest of Figgins’ tenure.”

She playfully huffed her knuckles. “I know,” she said breezily. “I’m good.”

“I’m in. What exactly is it that you want me to do?”

That night, two black-clad figures slipped into the bushes beneath Principal Figgins’ window. They knew he would be staying late tonight, working on the quarterly budget reports for the school board and the two students grinned at each other when they realized they could hear the man nervously warbling something that sounded like a hymn inside his office.

“Ready?” Tina whispered.

“Yeah, but if he shoots me with a silver bullet, I’m coming back as a ghost and haunting you!”

She giggled, quickly muffling the sound into her palm. 

Together they carefully planted a little evidence. A small tuft of brown “fur” that Kurt had stealthily snipped from a sleeping Finn and now sprinkled at random onto the window sill. A few quietly scratched “claw marks” provided by Tina’s mother’s garden trowel. A small torn scrap of a Letterman jacket easily obtained since Figgins’ own penny-pinching budget had arranged for the school to start producing its own jackets over a year ago. 

Lastly, the two partners slipped a few yards out of sight and began howling, softly at first, but with gradually growing vigor. Kurt modulated his voice up and down, adding a little extra eeriness to the tone, while Tina threw in a few very effective growling noises and tossed small pebbles at the window to give the impression that something was scratching at the glass. 

The light inside the office went abruptly dark. Tina and Kurt muffled snickers when they heard the inner-office singing grow louder, quickly becoming a full throated bellow of desperation. Not wanting the Principal to feel that his musical defense was ineffective, the two ‘werewolves’ snuck away to the parking lot where they climbed into Kurt’s truck and laughed themselves silly.

The next day at the assembly, it was announced that a portion of the Cheerios budget had been reallocated towards removing the Slushy machines and replacing them with new water-coolers throughout the school. Also, iPods would be provided for any student who could not afford to buy one of their own. 

The second announcement soothed the outrage of the first, but all but two members of the student body were completely confused. Next, Figgins deputized both swim teams - competitive and synchronized - to patrol the hallways looking for signs of bullying between classes. They were to douse themselves with water at regular intervals and slap an immediate Office-authorized suspension slip on any sign of physical abuse or uncontrolled rage. 

The swimmers took to this new responsibility with slightly frightening enthusiasm. Apparently, McKinley High School had a zero-tolerance bullying policy on its books, previously unknown to anyone.

The Glee Club was specially authorized to send one of its members to sing the Principal to and from his car every day, as well as holding random concerts throughout the school whenever and wherever they felt like it. This sent Sue Sylvester into such a frenzy of outrage that she did not last the day before being hauled off campus by local authorities for tossing students about like confetti.

The very next day, Karofsky was suspended based on several eye-witness reports of seeing him body-slamming Kurt Hummel into the lockers, and he was followed quickly by Azimio who had targeted the AV Club with a Slushy attack and was quite naturally caught on film. 

Rachel Berry found a new occupation through belting one-woman concerts outside the Principal’s Office whenever she wasn’t in class, unexpectedly leaving solo opportunities open for the rest of New Directions. 

The vigilant swim team gained respect for the first time in active memory.

And Kurt Hummel and Tina Cohen-Chang were mysteriously witnessed practicing a mash-up of “Bad Moon Rising” and “Werewolves of London” for Sectionals, grinning like idiots the entire time.

It was the beginning of a beautiful school year.

THE END


End file.
